I’m linking up with Stasha today for Monday Listicles, because I’ve actually looked (ahead of time!) to see what the listicle topic (chosen by Cookie’s Chronicles) is for the week.

And I have opinions on the subject. Boy, do I.

This week the topic is “10 Tips For New Moms”.

Being a relatively new mom (as in, I gave birth seven months ago), and having been a new mom three times before that, I’ve learned a few things.

Of course, everyone will tell you things like “enjoy each moment because they go too fast”, but I’ve got a few things you might not hear from everybody. (And if you think I’m exaggerating when I say “everybody”, I’m not. EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU MEET WILL GIVE YOU ADVICE WHEN YOU GIVE BIRTH OR ARE ABOUT TO. Mark my words.)

1. When you’re pregnant, you will either be judged less by the people you meet, or you will not care if they are judging you because you feel like a beached whale. Either way, use this time to do things that would normally embarrass you, like stocking up on hemorrhoid cream.

2. Use the time when you and your baby are not sleeping but everyone else is for things like writing thank you notes, or time sucks like Twitter or Pinterest. Because during the day, you’ll feel like you’ve been run over by a truck and trying to catch every moment of rest you can while your baby IS sleeping.

3. Never, EVER google things that you think might possibly be wrong with your baby, like a pontentially-over-pink belly button stub, or tiny little feet that curve in slightly. Rather, ask your friends on twitter or facebook. Because even in the middle of the night, some other mother who has been in your shoes will see it and tell you it’s no big deal (or it is and you should call hospital). But googling things like that NEVER ends well.

4. Speaking of facebook, unless you want people to hate you and/or block you, throw some of the bad things that go along with new motherhood in with all the gushy lovey stuff. Yes, your baby is totally adorable and everyone will think/say so. But everyone who has a baby knows it’s not all cotton candy and rainbows, and they’ll desperately want to call your bluff and/or stop hearing about it if you don’t keep it real.

5. Speaking of keeping it real, if someone offers help, TAKE IT. Let them bring you a meal, or babysit the older kids for a while, or do your dishes while you nap with the baby or take a shower. People WILL offer, and you do NOT have to pretend to be SuperMom and say no every time. You ARE SuperMom, but SuperMoms need help, too. And fresh deodorant.

6. Related: nothing will taste better than a meal you don’t have to cook yourself. If you don’t have a month’s worth of meals from your friends and family at the ready, getting a good casserole out of the freezer and popping it in the oven is just as good. Use that late-pregnancy nesting instinct to fill your freezer up. You will not regret it.

7. Even if you are SICK TO DEATH of wearing your maternity clothes by the time you have that baby, do not, I repeat DO NOT, toss them out on your way to the hospital. Especially your maternity yoga pants. Nothing will feel better than those pants for at least a month, if not six. And when you can’t get to the shower? They will take you from day to night, just like a chic suit. Except by “night”, I mean those long, long hours when you get to “bond” with your baby instead of sleeping, not a dinner party.

8. Another thing you should be doing while you’re waiting around for your precious bundle to arrive: think of comebacks to say when people ask you (after the birth) when you are due. Or when they say “how old is your little girl?” when they see your adorable new son. Because it probably WILL happen, but you will be so sleep-deprived that you’ll think of something snarky to say loooong after they’ve left. And you will want to kick yourself. Better to be prepared.

9. Don’t let anyone make you think that the decisions you’re making for your baby/family/self are wrong or could somehow be better. It’s one thing to seek advice. It is QUITE another to let it get to you when it was NOT asked for. There’s an infinte list of things people in your life (or strangers, for that matter) will have an opinion about, including: breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cloth diapers, disposable diapers, co-sleeping, not co-sleeping, strollers, babywearing. Your answer could be another thing you need to practice at home before the baby comes (but watch out…you may need to answer to them while you’re still pregnant!). Try something like “thank you for the advice, but we’re doing well” or “Shut your pie-hole” or “Excuse me? Look how your kids turned out.”

10. Enjoy each moment, because they will go by WAY too fast. There. I said it. It’s so true. Pretty soon, they won’t want you to kiss their cheeks 15 times every time you see them, so you’d better do it while you can.