I had planned to take a picture of myself yesterday, when I had my hair done and makeup on. We were going to celebrate my niece’s birthday, so I had visions of setting up the camera and using the remote to get a few captures of me getting ready to go out, or after I was already done and dressed. Me being “done and dressed” in anything other than running clothes/pajamas doesn’t happen very often and I wanted to take advantage of it.

But, somewhere between putting makeup on, forcing the toddler to poop on the toilet, helping to finish homework after school and getting all four ready to go, I didn’t even change out of my hoodie and yoga pants, let alone take a picture of myself.

So today, I was trying on some new clothes and decided to snap a few pictures.

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What I realized is that I’m not very kind to myself. When I look in the (dirty) mirror, I see my thighs, squished into skinny jeans that probably most people wouldn’t wear if they were me. And I remember when I started running, how I longed for “runner’s legs” which I know now, I’ll never have.

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Instead of thinking about how far I’ve come in the last two years since I’ve started running and lost 50 (give or take a few depending on the day) pounds, I cringe when I start running and feel my butt bouncing up and down. I think to myself, as I take those steps “Oh good. My arms are flapping again.”

Instead of thinking that I’m a good role model for my girls, who see me run several times a week, I think, I’m a good role model anyway.

That word. ANYWAY. Not, I’m a good role model. Instead, it’s even though I’m not a fast runner, I’m a good role model anyway. In my head, it’s I’m a good role model even though I’m slow. Even though I’m not muscular or thin. Even though svelte runners can see my lumps through my compression pants.

And it’s not just my body, but everything. When I look at my face, I see sagging skin and ever-present pimples. When I see what I’ve written here, on the blog, I see dismal stats and few visitors…what I could be doing to make it better and what I don’t have time for. Instead of a website with a lot of potential, I see an admin that doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing. When I do change out of my running clothes/pajamas and go somewhere, I secretly hope someone will notice and say something. I have a lot of cute clothes, I just don’t usually think they look very good on me and apparently, I need attention.

Are you kinder to yourself than I am? 

Through The Lens Thursday is meant for self-improvement, so please….constructive criticism is welcome!

Through The Lens Thursday is a self-improvement photography project that Alison of Writing, Wishing and I are doing this year.

Don’t forget to join our Flickr group or share your own posts if you’d like to follow along and work on your own photography! And use the hashtag #throughthelensthursday to connect with others working on it, too.

Next week’s prompt is BOOKS.

After I wrote this, I realized maybe Erin’s and my inner critics maybe need to have a chat and shove off.