Yesterday on Facebook, I saw a friend’s status update about someone that had passed away that day or the day before. She seemed shocked by the news, and curiosity got the better of me, so I clicked on the deceased person’s name and went to her wall.
It was a blogger that I had never heard of or read before, but judging from all of the posts on her fan page’s wall, she was loved by many. It was touching to read their words about how sweet and funny she was, and how much she’ll be missed.
It got me thinking of my own mortality, of course, and I kept scrolling until I found the first status from the blogger’s daughter, posting as the fan page, announcing that her mother had died suddenly (but not saying how) and asking for peace for the family.
Of course, I was torn up for the family and her friends (both real and virtual) that were obviously in shock. But also? Honestly, it made me want to know how she had died. And it made me think…I almost felt like I should have a plan in place in case something should happen to me. If I died, would my family be able to “make an announcement”? Would readers see snippets from my family and friends and wonder if it was a joke, and what had happened to me? Does it even matter?
I put my thoughts here, share my pictures, both to keep the memories alive and recorded for generations, and to make connections with strangers that I’d otherwise never “meet”. If one of the people that I’ve come to call a friend but have only met online died suddenly, I’d be just as hurt and heartbroken as if it had been a childhood friend.
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook when it comes to learning everyone’s business as soon as it happens. When my brother died, I got a Facebook message from a family friend that was based on a miscommunication and sent me into a tailspin. At that point, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT HE WAS DEAD. Thank you, Facebook, for the ability to instantly talk to people in the middle of a tragedy before they even know that the tragedy has occurred.
Every once in a while, usually on his birthday, I’ll visit my brother’s Facebook page and see if anything has been added. What good comes from this? Absolutely nothing. I already know that he was loved, that he’s missed by many. Why do I feel the need to read more words about how he’s gone too soon? Quite literally, morbid curiosity. Are people still thinking about him as much as I do? Enough time has passed that he rarely comes up in conversation, and Facebook is the one way I can see the proof that people (other than close family) still miss him.
I’m often extremely grateful that my first husband wasn’t on Facebook when he died. I’ve seen his MySpace page a few times in the last six years, but at this point, it’s too much work to try to remember even how to log in to MySpace (or find out if I even could). And I’m thankful for that. Truly. I don’t think I could bear to see his name pop up in my feed more than it already does (which is always, ALWAYS a shock to my senses).
What’s the right thing to do when someone important to you dies? Do you take down their Facebook page? Is it even possible? Do you leave it up for the people that find comfort in sending virtual messages to the Great Beyond? Or for yourself, to read those messages of love to the person that you miss so much?
And when will Social Media management become a part of one’s pre-ordered funeral arrangements?
Good things to think about. I hadnt thought about my blog or fb pages should something happen. Something to consider
I'm like you – morbid curiosity draws me to late people's pages. It always seems to me that people don't say how much they care/ love that person until they're gone. It's sad, but true. Then the minute, everyday life stuff you see before they're gone, is so stark and casual in contrast to present day, it's like a slap in the face, that life is short.
I haven't thought about what will happen to my blog/ social media accounts if the day comes that I'm gone too soon. No one knows my logins but me. But I shudder to think about it.
Wow, Greta – that is deep. I have to be honest: I would be curious as well to find out why the person died and I would certainly be reminded of my own mortality as well. I have a friend I used to go to school with and date for a really short time when we were in High School; he announced on FB a little while ago that he has cancer and is now updating daily through his chemo. I'm sure it brings him support that tons of people comment on it, but I wonder who is comforted when people comment on dead people's FB pages… I guess only the commenters themselves, because the family/friends don't need FB to be reminded.
xox
I have had this conversation with my friends. One of my friends did a research project on this exact topic for her masters. It seems the younger someone is or if they died suddenly, people view their Facebook to twitter page as a memorial place – a place to say goodbye. Younger generations are so used to using the internet as a way to communicate. That being said, I would think it would be hard to read as a close family member. I can your point of having a love/hate relationship with Facebook.
This is so interesting. I haven't really thought about my social media pages to be closed or dealt with if I die before they do.
I have thought about my computer documents, my drafts of stories or blog posts. I used to have a password on them. I removed them when I thought about how my family members would access them.
🙁
This is a really interesting thing to think about. I have a friend who lost someone close to him in high school, and they memorialized his Facebook page. I'm not sure what all that entails, but I do know that his pictures will always be there for his friends and family to look at. As for a blog page, I think it really is a good idea to have someone post an update in the event of something tragic. When you read about someone's life, you really get to know that person and develop a connection even if you've never met them IRL.
Great post, Greta. And again, I'm struck by the loss you've experienced already in your life. Big hugs to you.
This is super duper interesting, Greta. Do you know, I heard a radio program once about what to do with your social media to prepare for death. I'm totally on a Google rampage now to find all of that.
Found the radio segment! Scroll down and listen to the last segment: Death and Digital Legacy, if you're interested: http://www.cbc.ca/spark/episodes/2011/03/04/spark…
I've thought about this before, and I'm not sure what the answer is. The truth is that we do have an online footprint that will live on in some shape or form. I think for some the being able to go back and look will be comforting, much like visiting a cemetery to leave flowers, and for others it will just slip away like the person that was lost.
I've wondered about this before a time or two. I know that it's hard to take down someone else's profile and even if you manage it's still accessible somehow. I sometimes go tobpages of one or two friends who have passed away in the past few years, usually only when I see someone post a birthday message or such. It's definitely something to think about for us bloggers.
Oh, I know that morbid curiosity too. Such a great post that has me thinking, Greta. Social media has become such a big part of all of our lives, so in a way it makes sense that it's also part of death. It's just so hard to control.
I get that same sense of curiosity. I don't know what I would want done but it does give me something to think about.
I think about this, too. It's kind of crazy the way our world works now w/ social media, etc… and there was a post on BlogHer a week or two ago along w/ a video about a girl on Twitter who died. No one knew her (she was anonymous, i.e. her handle didn't include her name or info)… but the video included a timeline of her tweets. It was so sad to watch it play out. She had cancer and was given a few months to live. And some of her tweets… wow. I just… I just wish I'd known her, been there, tried to do something.
Wonder where we'll be with all of this stuff by the time our kids are in high school?
Definitely food for thought and something we didn't even have to consider not that many years ago. There really aren't many aspects of life and death that the newness of social media hasn't touched, both in good and not so good ways, are there?
These are all really great points, Greta. Recently a girl I knew in high school passed away. I saw a few status updates from girls I went to HS with, but nobody said how she died. Of course, her Facebook was "locked down" so I didn't see anything that was going on. I googled her, all I found was an arrest from a couple years ago for drugs…so I presumed. But it does make me curious when I see posts like that..more curious than it probably should. It's odd when someone is there posting, then suddenly NOT. You know what's also unnerving? When you see sponsored posts with "like" endorsements (you know what I"m talking about) with the deceased person's name? "Such and such liked this page, you should too"? Makes it all more apparent when social media is involved.
Oh, I know. It's creepy and shocking to see stuff like that. And about the not knowing, it's like when I'd used to read the obtuaries in the newspaper and wonder what happened, especially to the younger people.
I found out my dad died by seeing my cousin's "RIP Uncle Dan" status update just after he collapsed. I thought it was a terrible joke. I'm still reeling from finding out that way. I'm sorry we share something so yucky in common. Every once in a while I, too, take a peek at his FB page.
Oh, that is AWFUL. I'm so sorry. Why wouldn't your cousin try to find out if everybody knew? It's almost like an automatic response for people now…something happened, better post on Facebook! Ugh.
So interesting. I hadn't really thought of it either, but you might be right. We might need to make those arrangements for ourselves.
Oh Greta, I feel like you're so young to have had to think of this — and more than once.
This is an interesting topic that will be interesting to see how it changes and unfolds as our kids get older and don't even know a time sans sites like Facebook!
Honestly, I've never thought about this before. And it makes me feel feelings.
Really good questions, Greta. My uncle died 2 years ago and his facebook page is still up and active. I gotta admit, it kind of bothers me. I heard a long time ago that you can ask Facebook to make a deceased person's page a "memorial page". Not sure how that changes it, though. Someone set up a fan page for my friend Emily who died in 2007. I kind of like that idea, for when you're missing the person. I've gone to it a few times.
As for my own blog and social media accounts, anyone could jump on my computer and open Blogger, Facebook, Twitter, etc, and be automatically logged in if they use Chrome, which is the browser I use all the time. My husband could also guess my passwords pretty easily.
In my more morbid moments, I have thought about writing a "if I die" blog post to save in drafts and have a friend know it's there to post in case I were to die unexpectedly. But I can't bring myself to write it.
Greta, I can't even imagine the loss that you've had to deall with.
I've had friends who have had family members die and have found great comfort in visiting their loved one's FB page. I've had other friends who did not and they memorialized their loved one's FB pages. I think it is definitely an interesting time we live in and something that I'd like to talk to my husband about. He's not on FB but I wonder what he would want if I died.
I've always thought about this, how people's pages are taken down. I think you have to petition FB, explain the death, and request it be removed. I know of many that remain though, as shrines, as places for people to go and put thoughts and prayers and memories, even years later. I like that aspect of it, but otherwise? It scares me that this is where we're headed. Check FB for obits and such. And now I'm going to contradict myself fully and say that it does kind of make sense to leave some kind of directive for your accounts. Disable them? Leave them be? Offer passwords? I am not ready.
I have a morbid curiosity to want to know what happened and have clicked through to their pages. I'm not sure why but I think that it's partly the "life is so short" bit – it's like I have to read and see that to reinforce in my head that yes, life is short and can be unexpected. I too have dealt with a lot of loss in my life and I'm really very thankful that it was mostly all pre-FB/social media. I don't think that I would be able to manage. I don't know what I would want to have done with my social media and blog when I pass.
There is such a double edged sword to Facebook when it comes to death. On one hand, I have found out about deaths that I would not have known about and it has allowed me to attend services for those people and grieve with their families. On the other hand, there is the risk of news getting around too fast too soon before family and other close ones know about a death first.This has happened in my family. As far as social media management as part of arrangements? I think this is coming. It seems to be part and parcel with the digital age we live in.
I haven't ever thought about any plan for if something happened to me, honestly. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook in that regard…I've found out lots of stuff that I might not otherwise have known, but it comes with a price. A lifelong friend, who runs a floral shop and is famous for being the first to know practically everything, is how I found out my uncle died last year…via Facebook message telling me how sorry she was to hear about his death, before my parents could even tell me. His page is still up, and I visit it occasionally…his friends and family still post messages to it.
I haven't thought about this before, but this definitely has made me do so.
Greta this is such a deep thought provoking post. I honestly haven't think about what will happen to my facebook or blog when I die.
Wow. I never thought of that until I read your post. This is an interesting points to ponder. This made me think a lot about myself. Anyway, I'm just happy to came across your post.
I read this when you posted it (in my email) and never clicked over to comment. All of our online accounts are actually part of our will! Our lawyer told us he had never had someone list so many accounts…of course I was his first blogger client too 🙂 Everything from my blog to my linkedin accounts are covered in our will. i don't think I would have ever thought about it otherwise either.