I mentioned Erin last week. We’ve only met the one time, for an hour, but we’d gotten close online for the past year or so. She’s a very busy gal these days, working on two different passion projects while trying to raise 7 year old twins and a baby and maintain her blog, Erin L Margolin: Road To My Writer Roots. I mentioned her projects last time, but they’re worth a mention again. Erin’s dad came out when she was young, and divorced her mom. This past year, she teamed up with Amie, who also had her dad come out, to start the Gay Dad Project. They want kids with gay parents to have somewhere to turn, to know that they’re not alone. The team only has a few days left in their IndieGoGo campaign to raise money for a documentary, so if you’re looking to spread the word about a great cause or trade a few bucks that you’d normally spend at Starbucks, check it out.
Erin is also working extremely hard with her partner-in-crime, Laura, on the Listen To Your Mother Show in Kansas City. It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and mothers (and fathers) are invited to submit their story. Submissions are open until Feb. 15...I already submitted mine, and am excited to go watch the show, even if I’m not selected to read! If your not local to Kansas City, there are lots of other cities represented this year.
As you can see, Erin has been extremely busy, so I’m very grateful that she’s agreed to share another store here, today. Thank you so much, Erin!
I look in the mirror every morning. I pluck my caterpillar eyebrows and the errant grey hairs overdue for camouflage. I scowl at the fuzz all over my face. I loathe the lines on my forehead. The saggy belly with separated muscles, silvery c-section scar, hernia surgery scars from carrying twins plus one. I berate myself for not exercising, but I have no desire due to depression and too many excuses and things on my plate.
The stupid US Weekly magazines featuring celebrities who lost all their weight so fast? Those get to me. Why am I drawn to them? Why do I care? All they do is make me feel badly about my body and how I look.
Screw them. I have too many expectations of myself. I think women in general do. We’re not supposed to be hairy (hence waxing, threading, Nair, laser treatments, electrolysis, etc.) or big boned or too tall or have bumps on our noses or huge feet. We require lots of mascara to have extra-long lashes, Spanx for our muffin tops, and plastic surgery to improve our overall looks.
Photo credit
I spend too much time comparing myself to other moms who appear to have it all; juggling everything effortlessly while wearing real clothes and swinging their perfectly smooth, shiny hair. Meanwhile, what examples am I setting for my three daughters? I feel like I can’t win: I can’t show them that I take pride in myself if I’m in dirty sweats and greasy-haired with bags under my eyes; but it’s nearly impossible for me to play the part of the Barbie Doll mom who flat irons her hair every day, wears makeup and a crisply-ironed blouse with slacks, balancing my toddler on my hip while in line at Starbucks.
My thoughts: why bother? Why wear anything nice because Piper’s just going to drool on me, throw food at me, blow raspberries on my pants leg, or I’ll splatter something on myself when I’m cooking another fabulous gourmet meal (not).
Who really knows? Maybe I’m teaching them that it’s okay not to have my shiz together. Maybe it’s not the end of the world if I’m wearing the same yoga pants today that I slept in last night. Perhaps it’s even alright if I pop a pill to cope with my anxiety. And I’ll move us to Europe, where no one showers regularly.
In the end, my girls will turn out okay. I’m learning it doesn’t do them any good if I set the bar too high for myself, because they sense that. So here and now, I’m done. I’m officially ditching the great expectations.
And that? Might be precisely what ends up providing the potential, the push I need to feel better about myself, just as I am. Quirks, faults, and all.
Get to know Erin on her blog, the Gay Dad Project, Twitter, and Facebook.
The Europeans have their own interesting expectations and some better genes too. I'm giving up my great expectations to set a better example for my girls too. Great post!
Thanks for reading, Mama Melch! I appreciate your kind words!
You're much more than how you look and what you wear. Your girls will see that – all the good work you're doing with Gay Dad Project and LTYM. Your blog, all your fabulous online friends. All a testament to how beautiful you are already. xo
Thank you, sweet Alison…though they're too young now to really get what I'm doing. But someday, maybe? Maybe they'll be proud of me. I'm glad you came by. xoxox
What Alison said. Witnessing the ways that you are making the world a better place will be a chain reaction. They will grow up to be so proud of you, caterpillar brows be damned!
Thank you, @HousetalkN! I hope you're right. I want them to be awesome. And I hope in other ways, besides what i'm wearing, I can help set that example… thanks for stopping by!
I have a 13 year old daughter and a 6 year old daughter. A few years ago my oldest lamented the fact that I wasn't cool like the other moms. I didn't flat iron, wear a lot of make up, make a lot of effort. I think in the past few years she has "lowered" her expectations on makes a mom look cool and I have made more of an effort to think about what I look like. She can actually give me fashion advice now. So don't worry in a few years your girls will be making sure that you don't go outside the house looking a mess!
Heather,
Your comment made me laugh because I can already envision one of my girls doing this! It'll be pretty awesome—I need a personal stylist anyway! I guess I just need to wait a few years.
So well written. I never thought about this so much until kid(s). How do I convince the boy to love and respect a girl for HER and still want a boob job / tummy tuck / blah blah blah… Great post. Great.
@nerdmommathfun,
I guess it's good I don't have a son because I wouldn't know how to teach him those things, either…and? I am dreading my three girls' foray into puberty…
Love, love, love this. I'm much more inspired by a good role model than a super model. Great post!
Johnna,
I kinda loathe super models. Seriously. Why oh WHY are they so thin and so on display???
It's the "on display" I take issue with. We come in so many shapes and sizes and I think all of us should be celebrated and adored for who we are, not how we look, how long or flat-ironed our hair is, how pricey our pants are…Today it makes me smile to know I'm in the presence of other like-minded ladies.
Erin, you're one of the most awesome writers I don't know. Which is to say that I only know you online. Pick a feature you love about yourself and start there. And every time you start to think "I don't have enough ___" or "I have too much ___", then force yourself to think instead, "I have kickass ___". Hokey? Yes. But eerily effective. You deserve to love how you look and to love it NOT because it conforms to some fake standards. People often see the best things about you first, not the worst (because they're all too busy finding their own damned flaws), and you are entitled to see yourself in that way, too.
Thank you Jesterqueen!
I love your response. Need to print it out and tape it to my mirror!! xoxoxoxox
I've JUST started to feel like putting forth more effort, I guess because my youngest is getting older and we're out more. But when we're stuck at home day after day? Nope. It's hard because sometimes we see someone out at their best. We may be seeing the one time that week that they got dressed up. ANd besides, you're too busy being awesome to flat iron your hair.
And you KNOW those magazine photos are extensively touched up.
Leigh Ann,
I was at that point too, and then we had Piper, aka surprise baby. So I am back at square one. ANd yes, winter/weather can play a role, as can my depression. AND? SCREW THE MAGAZINES! LOL
I can totally relate to this post, specifically about exercising. You said exactly how I feel. I can't make it to the gym if I'm fighting off depression. Even though its probably the best medicine for depression! I do want to say, I think you are doing an AMAZING job with "The Gay Dad Project" and "Listen to Your Mother Show." You have a lot on your plate right now and I would slow down, take a look in the mirror and tell yourself how proud you are and a good job you are doing. Your kids would want that.
Mamintheburbs,
Thanks so much for stopping by! You are too kind. I can't slow down just yet, but will have a brief lull after Indiegogo campaign ends Friday…then jumping headfirst into Listen To Your Mother! xoxoxo
We are so much more than what we see on the outside. I'm struggling with my body image now, but in my heart I know that my kids need to see that I'm confident in myself. I just need to get there.
I think about this a lot. I could put more effort into exercise and my appearance – and I always have the best intentions to do so. But it is so easy for me to put it off, there isn't time, there is something more important that just came up. I think I just need to take the time but I haven't yet worked out when. But like you say, maybe I am teaching my boys that the impossible standards for women's appearance are not as important as the people inside.
Oh, Erin, fabulous piece. The expectations are absurd, and what's craziest is that we place them on OURSELVES. You're doing your daughters a service – look at all the good, real things you're accomplishing in life. You're following your passions, helping people. Who the hell cares if your hair is perfect or your clothes are ironed?
That said, of course I engage in the same self-talk. It's so unhealthy. Granted, the other day my three-year-old boy told me we couldn't leave the house because I was in sleeping clothes (and then we had to discuss why yoga pants can be inside AND outside clothes!)… So I know they notice how I'm dressed, but in the end they don't care. They love me, and are more interested in what we're having for snack anyway.
I'm rambling… If I have a point, I guess it's that I appreciate this post so much. We all need to cut ourselves a lot of slack, and focus on what's real.
This is a tough one for me. I struggle with it and do well and give up and hit acceptance and struggle again. Sometimes all in the same day. xo
You made me think of my own mother and my memories of her growing up. And the only negative thing I can come up with MAYBE is that she watched too many soaps. Well, I just traded the internet for "soaps", so yeah. Ha! And I had to accept LONG ago that I will NEVER look like those ladies on the mags. I just don't have that DNA, no matter how hard I work. Plus I don't airbrush my photos. ;-P As long as we are healthy and doing our best, it's fine.
I think all your daughters may "expect" is for you to be there for them. And I know you are doing that, so it's all good.
XOXO
This is the point exactly. If we want better for our daughters (as in them loving themselves just the way they are) then we need to show them that it is okay to do just that.
Love this, Erin! Love!
Who couldn't relate to this Erin. And I didn't know you had twins. How wonderful. I could relate to the busy eyebrow thing. Ugh. I just got mine waxed yesterday. I just discovered that a few years ago. Now that my eyes are so bad up close (aging another ugh) it's so much easier. A little bit of pain for a lot of gain. Your point is a very real and serious one. This time of year I hate my body. Pick it apart. Even though I know it's wrong. I know I should be thankful for my health and ability to exercise. I tried to let my daughter have her own say in her appearance. For her birthday, yesterday, she wants a blue streak in her hair. We've got the appointment Thursday. Help.
It's supposed to be bushy eyebrows. When will I EVER learn to proof my comments?